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Published January 10, 2018

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, fresh off the long, tedious lockout full of intense negotiations and posturing in the media, says he’s glad to finally get back into the normal swing of things and is delighted to once again be fining players for committing personal foul penalties or for violating the league’s conduct policy.
“It was so boring when all of my time was occupied with labor discussions and collective bargaining,” said the NFL commissioner, ecstatic he gets to return to his passion of reviewing late hits, unsportsmanlike conduct penalties and unruly off-field behavior. “There’s already been a couple small fines, but I can’t wait for the good stuff to get myself back into the disciplinary groove. Things get really fun around here when I get to punish a player that gets arrested, like maybe for a DUI or an assault outside a strip club.”

Goodell said he hopes he’ll have the chance to shake off a little more rust before the regular season starts by heavily fining a couple rookies that “won’t even see it coming.”


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