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Roger Goodell Glad To Be Back Fining Players Again

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, fresh off the long, tedious lockout full of intense negotiations and posturing in the media, says he’s glad to finally get back into the normal swing of things and is delighted to once again be fining players for committing personal foul penalties or for violating the league’s conduct policy.
“It was so boring when all of my time was occupied with labor discussions and collective bargaining,” said the NFL commissioner, ecstatic he gets to return to his passion of reviewing late hits, unsportsmanlike conduct penalties and unruly off-field behavior. “There’s already been a couple small fines, but I can’t wait for the good stuff to get myself back into the disciplinary groove. Things get really fun around here when I get to punish a player that gets arrested, like maybe for a DUI or an assault outside a strip club.”

Goodell said he hopes he’ll have the chance to shake off a little more rust before the regular season starts by heavily fining a couple rookies that “won’t even see it coming.”


Adam Dunn Returns Home From Long Day Of Striking Out

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Following a grueling day working in the baseball fields, striking out again and again, an exhausted Adam Dunn returned home to his wife only to be handed a list of best asa slowpitch bats 2018 that she wanted done around the house.

“After swinging and missing nine, ten, twelve times, I don’t really have the energy to replace the bathroom mirror or clean out the garage” said the Chicago White Sox designated hitter as he gingerly craned his neck to one side and began massaging a sore muscle. “When you whiff as frequently as I do, it really takes a toll on your back and shoulders. Just once I’d like to get home after a four strikeout night and be able to relax without getting nagged to death.”

Dunn says he’s growing increasingly frustrated with the lack of respect he receives from his wife regarding his occupation, especially when she claims that she herself “could just go out there and miss the ball every time.”

I don’t connect with pitches, but I’m always telling the guys behind me (in the lineup) what the pitcher is throwing and stuff,” says Dunn, currently hitting .173 in the first year of a $56 million contract. “She acts like I don’t do anything all day, but that’s my role on this team. Clearly she doesn’t understand the intricacies of being a major league hitter.”

Friends and family say the pressure Dunn feels to maintain the league lead in strikeouts has placed an unhealthy strain on their marriage.


NBA Owners: “We’re Gonna Blow NFL Lockout Out Of The Water”

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To show they are, in fact, the most powerful and influential group in any league, NBA team owners say they will go above and beyond any scheme, tactic or trick attempted by their NFL counterparts to ensure the best fastpitch softball bats 2018 lockout in professional sports history.

“We’ve got a number of cockamamie ideas up our sleeves to prolong this lockout for as long as possible,” said Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke . “We’ll hit (the players) with lopsided terms and outlandish demands. Dragging this thing out to the brink of ruining the NBA is something we as a group are fully prepared to do.”

NBA owners say their NFL equivalents erred by negotiating in good faith, giving players—otherwise known as overpriced employees—the perception that they are actually equals engaging in mutually beneficial discussions.

“Don’t expect to see the same mistakes from us,” said Robert Sarver, owner of the Phoenix Suns. “From the get-go, players will be given, at best, a one-sided, take-it-or-leave it proposal, assuming we don’t just sit on our laurels and ignore negotiations altogether.”

Added Bucks owner Herb Kohl, “If we don’t demonstrate how important the best 2018 slowpitch softball bats are, this lockout is to us by missing at least one full softball season, we’re not doing our jobs.”

A poll of league owners indicates that 95% are “completely fine” if the NBA never plays a game again.

Kyle Gilmont, 30, from Tucker, Georgia was able to catch a foul pop at the Braves-Cubs game on Friday night when he alertly let go of Parker, his 9-month old son, in order to give himself a better chance to get his hand on the ball.

“When I saw the ball off the bat, I knew it was coming right at me, but I’d have no chance at it if I was still holding onto the little guy,” said Gilmont of his 20-pound son, who was severely cutting down on his opportunity to “make a play”. “So I let my first born fall as gently as possible down to the Turner Field concrete beneath the seats, leaned as far as I could to the right, stretched over a couple people and made the catch. Not many fathers and sons can share a moment like this—catching a foul ball with Parker at the game is something I’ll treasure forever.”

In the excitement of hauling in a foul ball at a Major League game, Gilmont forgot to immediately check on his son to determine if he had suffered any injuries, and instead was bragging to everyone in his section that he didn’t spill a drop of his beer.


Mariners Trade Prospects To Cardinals For Game Worn Albert Pujols Jersey

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The Seattle Mariners have added an impressive exhibit to The Baseball Museum of the Pacific Northwest—located behind the main Safeco Field concourse—by landing a jersey worn by Cardinals All-Star first baseman Albert Pujols during an actual Major League Baseball game in exchange for 3 minor league prospects.

“We’re pretty much out of contention, but this gives Seattle baseball fans a reason to make it out to the ballpark—to get their picture taken next to a piece of polyester worn by a true superstar,” said Mariners Executive Vice President & GM Jack Zduriencik of the newly acquired Pujols jersey. “I can’t believe St. Louis gave it up for only the 1st, 4th, and 6th highest rated prospects in our farm system. Looking back over the trade, we probably could have gotten a game worn hat too, if I had thought to throw in Adam Kennedy.”

The game worn Pujols jersey should become one of the more popular exhibits in the museum, says Zduriencik, right behind Ken Griffey, Jr.’s locker from the Kingdome and a disposable razor used by Jay Buhner to shave his head.

As the best softball bats 2018 are reported, the best softball bats on the market close to the situation say the New York Mets have the inside track to be the team that will land a package of prospects in return for centerfielder Carlos Beltran.

“I really think the Mets have the best chance to move Carlos Beltran in a trade,” said ESPN Baseball Insider Buster Olney, explaining that Beltran’s current inclusion on the Mets roster makes it all but impossible for another team to trade him. “Beltran also has a locker in the home clubhouse at the Mets’ Citi Field, he’s been in their lineup 96 times this season, and when he signed his contract several years ago, he signed with New York. If any team trades DeMarini Slowpitch Bats, the best bbcor bats with best pop out there indicate it will be the New York Mets.”

Olney added that the Mets are also the early favorite to screw up the Jose Reyes free agency sweepstakes this offseason.

Prince Fielder Shamelessly Hitting Lots Of Home Runs In Contract Year

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Obviously desperate to set himself up for a big pay day, Milwaukee Brewers greedy first baseman Prince Fielder has been unashamedly smashing home run after home run during his contract year to increase the likelihood some team will sign him to a deal worth hundreds of millions of dollars this offseason.

“He’s clearly only thinking of himself, having a very good season the year he will become a free agent,” said Brewers fan Hector Oconto, 32, of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, wondering if Fielder even cares that his team leading 22 home runs or 73 RBIs could help get the Brewers into the playoffs. “It makes me really miss the old days when he hit 50 home runs in 2007 or drove in 141 runs in 2009 simply because he was a good baseball player, and not because he was solely motivated by the huge contract he could sign.”

Future free agent shortstop Jose Reyes of the Mets has been equally as greedy in his contract year, not even hiding his desire to “get paid” by leading all of Major League Baseball in batting average and triples.

Amid reports they’ve been cheating during a number of home games at Rogers Centre, GM Alex Anthopoulos, manager John Farrell and other Blue Jays officials outright deny that the pitching machines reported here strategically placed all over the stadium are being used to steal signs.

“The series of tiny, nearly undetectable, high resolution hidden cameras in Rogers Centre in no way indicate that we are attempting to steal the opponent’s signs,” said Anthopoulos, insisting that most major league ballparks have hidden cameras pointed toward the field of play for security reasons. “We want to keep Rogers Centre as safe as possible. Of course, the new 2018 youth bat (or the best usa bats for 2018) can make a change too. It’s not our fault the areas most vulnerable to a security breach include the opposing catcher just as he is giving the pitcher signs, the 3rd base coach’s box and the visiting dugout—especially where the other team’s manager is sitting.”

If the Blue Jays happen to learn another team’s signs from seeing them repeatedly on hidden cameras used only as a safety measure, it is merely a coincidence, says manager John Farrell.

“So what if our security staff learned (Red Sox manager) Terry Francona touching the bill of his cap, his ear, his cap again, and then is nose is indicating a hit and run, and passed that information along to me. If some psycho runs out of the stands and attacks him, we can catch the dirtbag on film.”

The secret microphones in the visiting dugout, clubhouse and manager’s office, as well as the bugged bullpen phone are not used by the Blue Jays to gain any type of competitive advantage either, Farrell added.

Cautious Nationals To Put Stephen Strasburg On Pitch Count Of One

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When he makes his long awaited return to the major leagues on Tuesday following last season’s Tommy John surgery, the Nationals plan on being very careful with their young star Stephen Strasburg, and intend to limit him to a very strict pitch count of one.

“We need to look out for that elbow until we are certain his surgically repaired ligament can withstand the rigors of pitching every fifth day at an elite level,” said Nationals pitching coach Steve McCatty, who says the team with adhere to the pitch count until it looks like Strasburg can safely throw more than one fastball, 2-seam fastball, 4-seam fastball, cutter, splitter, change-up, slider, curveball or whatever pitch the Nationals decide to have him throw and hit by the best pitching machines ever. “From there he will throw two pitches, then three, four, and so on. We might be criticized for being too careful, but lots of teams use limited counts to protect their pitchers. The Yankees might not allow A.J. Burnett to ever throw a pitch again.”

Washington GM Mike Rizzo says that while the Nationals are willing to take care of their phenom’s arm with a pitch count of one, they fully expect the former #1 overall softball gloves to buy to throw it for a strike, because he’s “making millions and we aren’t going to baby him.”